Bond villains’ pets…and meerkats

“We want to replace the meerkat with a plant,” the voice down the end of the phone said.

“What? WHAT?” My mind went blank. A member of the cast was asking for a minor script change. But I couldn’t think straight. Words failed me. The room swirled around me as I decided it was really best not to explode.

Bond villains always, I mean ALWAYS, ok maybe not always but a lot of times, have weird animals as pets. Not that meerkats are weird, and not that I want to offend any meerkat pet lovers.

But you get my drift (hopefully)? How many comics have you seen stroking a cat? You know that’s a Bond villain before they even do their evil voice… Oh god, this is already sounding cliched.

But, hey, Aleksandr the Meerkat is an advertising sensation in the UK and I’ve built several gags (I hope) around this in Martini Bond . . . Now we’re in the rehearsal stage of the play development and the meerkat could be for the chop, supplanted by, well, a plant.

“Look what the plant dragged in” doesn’t have the same ring about it as: “Look what the meerkat dragged in”, I said forlornly, thinking that perhaps that line is not one of the best examples of my wit.

“Besides, I did my research. You can buy these toys on eBay. Very like meerkats. Very cheap,” I said with fingers and legs crossed for luck.

“That might change things. Let’s discuss on Wednesday,” the line went dead. After all, this was the feedback from the first rehearsal and I was left wondering how much a triffid from the Day of the Triffids would cost, or perhaps a venus fly trap would do. Wonder what happened to the Little Shop of Horrors props?

But for now, can anyone lend me a meerkat toy? Otherwise we may have to improvise…