The Olympic effect on Team MB

So Danny Boyle got the queen to be a Bond girl. Fantastic. So funny. Queen parachutes (wasn’t she pushed?) out of helicopter into the Olympic Games. Ohmygod. I’m going to have to rewrite the beginning of Martini Bond (MB).

It looks tame by comparison. But then our austerity budget was never going to stretch to the purported £27m for the opening ceremony. And that included an army of volunteers (including the script editor of MB. He was one of the dancers).

Now I’m trying to convince the rest of the cast that we need a Union Jack flag to double up as parachute. I’d always had that in mind anyway. After all the flag is often a parachute – well perhaps once. And in the final scene of at least one film James Bond ends up, so to speak, under the British flag/parachute. (Can anyone confirm this was, indeed, The Spy Who Loved Me?)

But the cast soon put me right. One of them took a look at my props…

Toy parachute for Martini Bond

It could be the queen…it could work. Perhaps with your eyes closed.

…and just said: “We need a bigger boat…” Well perhaps they didn’t actually say that. But the sentiment was the same.

“OK,” I said lamely. After all, I had to squeeze in a birthday party too before the day was out.

“I was hoping you could mark down all the props,” Helen Niland, the director, said to me.

“Er, I’ve got to go,” I said (see aforementioned party). “But I love all the cars, handbags, wigs and rubber ring…”

The wig’s fabulous, dahlink…

…and so are the rubber rings

“But where the **** is James?” I said. (And I didn’t mean Bond – but another member of the cast.)

Turns out he was stuck in Olympics train chaos theory. A butterfly had flapped its wings somewhere in SW19 – probably Andy Murray on Centre Court – which meant James was stuck at Wimbledon at 11.14. But I had whizzed through at 11.45 – OK, my nose was stuck against the train door, which the driver was announcing not to touch… Anyway, I got to the rehearsal venue a whole hour before him. No, I don’t know how the theory works either.

Still, a member of the cast took the opportunity to whisper to me conspiratorially (note to self: aren’t whispers always conspiratorial?): “You know, I’ve heard ticket sales for Camden are slow this year.”

“SLOW? But I’ve just blogged they were UP on last year!”

“Slow everywhere. Except Camden Head. Our venue.”

I made a mental note to check our figures. It turns out there are only SEVEN, yes that’s 00-7, tickets left for the Saturday night. We are on the road to selling out … Let’s hear it for Team MB.

July 30, 2012. Tags: , , , , , , , , , . Blogging, Comedy, Comedy writing, Humour, Publishing, Theatre, Writing.


  1. jotsfromasmallapt replied:

    Pitching my “Cheers” your way…..

  2. jmmcdowell replied:

    Have you double-checked that no Olympic “big wigs” purchased your tickets? I’d hate for them to no-show your opening! 😛 (Sorry, couldn’t resist a little zing at those folks!)

    Hope you get those last 7 sold soon and bring down the house on Saturday night!

    • WomanBitesDog replied:

      Hahaha! LOL. Ohmigod – we need the crowd to turn up – even if they don’t laugh! At least we get the point – they make the show.

  3. kateshrewsday replied:

    Just seven tickets. That has to be very good indeed. Coasting through silver and heading for gold, I’d say.

  4. Fortyteen Candles replied:

    Hello, I nominated your blog for an award– More info can be found here:
    Please don’t feel obligated to accept. I just wanted to pass on some appreciation for your great work.

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